


Please, Alexander

by max_writes



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, George Washington is a Dad, M/M, Sad Alexander Hamilton, Self-Harm, Thomas Jefferson is in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-26 02:43:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19758955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/max_writes/pseuds/max_writes
Summary: Alexander is sad and depressed. Thomas gets a talking to by Washington and realizes some things.





	Please, Alexander

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. My last story has over 400 hits and I'm so thankful. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy my new story

Alexander was done. He was so tired of living as if he was important or as if he wasn't alone. Sure, he had Eliza but that had ended long ago, in fact, they sent the divorce papers in today with the promise to still be friends for Phillip, Angelica, and John. He walked into the office and beelined to his office, trying to make it there before anyone saw the tears leaking down his cheeks. He was about to open his office door when a tall figure dressed in fuchsia. Alexander groaned and opened his mouth to speak when Jefferson cut him off.

"Where are you goin' Hamilton? We have a meeting in thirty minutes and it wouldn't bode well for you to be late."

Hamilton was determined not to let Jefferson see him cry and he just needed a few moments to contain himself so he turned and started to head for the bathrooms.

~~~~

Thomas watched Hamilton walk off with shock written over his features. He had never seen Hamilton back down from a fight like that and he was determined to find out what was wrong with the smaller man. Jefferson hated to admit it but he cared for the small, angry man deeply. Thomas walked over to Washington's office and knocked at the door. He pushed the door open and smiled softly at the shocked look across the older man's face.

"Mr. Jefferson, what a lovely surprise. Come on in."

Thomas walked into the office and felt his features melt into those of concern.

"If I may ask, is Hamilton alright? He backed down from an argument this morning and I'm worried."

Washington smiled sadly and looked at his hands.

"Alexander divorced his wife, who took the children with her. They were the last of Hamilton's family and, sadly, the boy is alone again. He's never handled being alone well. When John Laurens died, well, if not for Eliza I don't believe he would have made it through that."

Thomas sucked in a sharp breath and looked at Washington in shock.

"Wha-What do you mean, 'W-Wouldn't have made it'? And why do you say that he's alone, surely he has family somewhere."

Washington looked Thomas directly in the face, sadness etched into his eyes.

"Alexander wouldn't have been alive for much longer. Alexander doesn't do well with grief. I can tell that you've never heard the story so I will tell you. Hamilton was raised on an island by his mother, he never knew his father. He loved his mother with all of his heart, but sadly they both became ill when he was twelve. Only Alexander survived. He started working and hustling his ass off until he made a living for himself on that island. Then, when he was seventeen a hurricane destroyed everything he knew. His home, his friends, and what was left of his mother. He was sent to live with a cousin who soon committed suicide because he couldn't take care of himself and the boy. Alexander was in the room when his cousin hung himself. He wrote a paper about it and he was sent to the mainland to go to school. That's when he met Burr. Burr was his first ally but they were fundamentally different. Alexander was still alone until he met John Laurens, Marquis de Lafayette, and Hercules Mulligan, who were his first friends. They supported him in everything and they fought together on the front lines. And then one by one they left. Lafayette went back to France, Hercules moved away, and John was killed in action in South Carolina. John and Alexander were so close that they were brothers. There were many times during the war when I'd go to check on Alexander, only to find him in Laurens' tent, sobbing into John's chest. Alexander may act strong but he is truly broken. He was so lonely and scared of getting hurt again after Laurens' death that he locked everyone out. he still refuses to let me back in. So, remember that he is delicate."

Jefferson nodded numbly, processing all of this new information. But he still had one more question.

"Sir, why is Hamilton the way he is, the working all the time, never stopping to take a breath, always arguing to win."

"Ah," Washington said with a smile, "he was told by everyone he's ever loved that he was going to do great things, and all of those people have left or died. I guess that he's trying not to let them down. If that will be all, I have a meeting to start. Go to Alexander, Thomas. He needs you."

With that, Washington walked out the door. 

~~~~

Alexander leaned his back against the stall door and slid to the ground. He sobbed into his hands and felt himself breaking. He pulled up his sleeve to look at the faded white lines that run across his entire forearm. He shakily pulled the thin piece of metal from his wallet and pressed it into his skin, hissing as he dragged it across his arm. He sat there for another 5 minutes violently slashing at his wrist, sobbing deeply when he saw the blood covering his body and clothing. He heard the bathroom door slam open and saw a pair of old converse rush over to the door of his stall. Urgent knocking sounded and a voice that surprised Alexander rung out in the bathroom.

"Alexander, open the door. Please, I want to make sure you're okay. Please tell me that that wasn't blood I saw. Just open the door. Please, Alex."

Alexander felt his breath hitch at the shortening of his name. Only John had ever called him that. Alexander moved away from the door and unlocked it, hissing as it pulled on the mangled skin of his arm. Thomas pushed open the door and let out a strangled gasp at the sight of Alexander covered in his own blood and tears. He quickly knelt down and helped Alexander stand up and walk to the counter. Alex sat there silently as Thomas inspected his arm. Thomas wet some paper towels and started to clean the blood off. Thomas remaind silent as he pulled a roll of bandages out of his bag and a bottle of alcohol. He poured it over the cuts, wincing a little when Alex hissed in pain. He looked down at the damage done to Alex's arm and felt tears well up in his eyes. He gently kissed his way up to Alex's forearm and leaned his head on Alex's shoulder, letting out a few strangled sobs.

~~~~

Alexander gasped at the cries that left Thomas' lips. He wrapped his thin arms around Thomas' shaking frame. Thomas pulled away from Alex and looked into the warm brown eyes that were swimming with concern and confusion. Thomas shook his head and looked down at Alex's arm.

"Why, Alexander? Why would you do this to yourself."

Alex shook his head and bit his lip harshly to fight the tears. He felt a soft hand on his cheek and Thomas pulled his lip from in between his teeth. Alex looked up at Thomas with tears in his eyes and he snapped when he saw the emotion in Thomas' eyes. Alexander let out a loud cry and crumpled into Thomas' arms.

~~~~

Thomas held the sobbing man in his arms and carded his fingers through Alex's tangled hair. He murmured sweet nothings into Alex's ear as the smaller man calmed down enough to speak.

"I'm just so tired, Thomas. I'm tired of pretending that I'm fine or that I'm okay with being alone because I'm not. I'm not okay and I don't think I ever will be. I'm not okay with being alone. I'm used to it. But I am not okay with it. I want, for once in my life, to not worry about what will happen to me when someone leaves me. But we're always alone. We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone. But it never lasts. All good things must come to an end. I am not destined to be happy. Happiness never works out for me. I'll get a good thing going and then all of a sudden, BAM, something comes along and destroys everything. I just want it all to end."

Thomas sucked in a deep breath at Alexander's words and pulled him in for a hug.

"You can't always control life and I know that thought sucks, but it's true. You can't know the plans of life. But I know that you were meant for happiness and greatness, Alex. You're a good person who has a heart of gold. You're stubborn and won't take no for an answer. So what if all good things come to an end? What about the great things? Great things don't end. They stay with you until you force them out. Please, Alex, don't hurt yourself. I can't bear the thought of coming into the office one day just to hear that you killed yourself. I couldn't take it."

Alexander was confused by the passion and heartbreak behind Thomas' words. He couldn't understand why in the world Thomas cared so much.

"Why do you even care, Thomas? I thought you hated me. Don't treat me differently out of pity. Just go back to hating me, it's easier for everyone."

"No it's not easier Alex. I never hated you. Never. I couldn't hate you, Alexander. Sure you're kind of annoying but I couldn't ever hate you. Damnit, Alex. I'm in love with you and I always have been."

Alexander looked at Thomas in disbelief and Thomas sighed and turned around, walking towards the door. Alexander quickly jumped off the counter and grabbed onto Thomas' wrist. Thomas turned around and Alexander was shaking with nerves and tears.

"I-I, fuck, I love you too. I've always tried to ignore it. I just don't want to hurt you and I can't lose you. Goddamnit, Thomas, I can't lose you. I wouldn't survive. Ple-Please. Please don't leave me alone again."

Alexander dissolved into tears and Thomas pulled him close, kissing the top of his head. Alexander clung to Thomas, inhaling his calming scent. He smelled like cinnamon and coffee. Alex pulled away from Thomas and looked up at him. Thomas smiled and looked down, wiping Alex's tears away with his thumb. Alex started to lean in towards Thomas and Thomas quickly connected their lips. The kiss was hesitant and slow. Thomas pulled away from Alex and connected their lips again. This kiss was fast and passionate. It screamed heartbreak and relief and most importantly, love. Alex pulled away this time and he smiled up at Thomas before hugging the taller man.

"What does this make us?"

"Alexander, will you be my boyfriend?"

Alex grinned up at Thomas and kissed him again.

"Of course."

Thomas grinned at Alex and looked down at Alex's ruined clothes with a frown. Thomas mumbled something and proceeded to take off his hoodie, handing it to Alex.

"Put this on. It'll hide the blood. Promise me that if this ever happens again that you'll come to me. If you ever feel lonely, come to me. Please."

Alex nodded and pulled off his shirt, quickly replacing it with Thomas' oversized hoodie. Thomas smiled at the small man and rolled up the sleeves of the hoodie to where he could see Alex's hands. Thomas grabbed his hand and led him out of the bathroom.

"Come on. We're late for the meeting."


End file.
